[This article is part of the “spiritual leadership today” study/discussion going on this year. For all articles in the series, click the Spiritual Leadership tab at the top of the page. To have them delivered, subscribe to The Brook Letter]
[Continued from “When Crisis Hits”] We must put out of our minds any feeling that just “being there” is so pitifully little, that it is almost an insult. In spiritual leadership we are called all the time into situations we cannot fix. No one can reverse the stillbirth; no one can compel a serial adulterer to love his first spouse; no one can undo a bankruptcy. What we can do is help people take next steps, or enlist the help of others. But the first thing in spiritual leadership in response to crisis is always this: go there, be there, care. Leaders are often called to help people out of their own helplessness.
I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1-2)
The measurement of the ministry of presence consists in thousands of people in thousands of situations who have said to a leader: thank you for coming. Thank you for being here. And they will remember that for years to come.
When we perceive the need, and respond by closing the gap, our presence may be what carries people in crisis across the chasm. That is the call of spiritual leadership in that moment, at that time. The reason people appreciate the simple ministry of presence is because aloneness and isolation are among the most painful spiritual experiences.
And then there is this: the ministry of presence allows us to speak the truth. To call things what they really are.
Why is it that so many Christian leaders have stood up in funeral services and gone through verbal gymnastics in order to refer to a death as anything other than death? The deceased has “gone home to be with the Lord,” or “has gone to meet her maker,” or “has departed this ugly world,” or “has gone to a better place,” or even “has shuffled off this mortal coil.” At least those are more delicate than some of the other euphemisms, which one will not generally hear in eulogies: kicked the bucket, belly up, six feet under, bought the farm, pushing up the daisies, at room temperature, gone to the big ranch in the sky, croaked.
We will do almost anything to avoid saying “death.”
We should avoid euphemisms which are mild expressions substituted for unpleasant realities. Likewise, we should avoid circumlocution, which is the use of many words with the intent of being vague or evasive. “Your father was just too good for this imperfect world.”
In crisis people don’t want word games. They need to come to terms with harsh realities so that they are driven to their true resources in God. There are suicide deaths that happen where nobody ever uses the word suicide. Here is where we walk a tightrope. For the parents of a teen who committed suicide the very idea is beyond horror. And God has made the human psyche capable of protecting itself temporarily through psychic numbing or even denial. But to make it through the storm, they are going to have to name the thing. And the way they will be able to is when supportive people around them hold them up and protect them from the guilt, shame, and anger so that the dreaded reality of the situation can be called for what it is.
Christians sometimes think that shading the truth is an act of mercy. We must remember that Jesus Christ came and he was “full of grace and truth.” It is not grace instead of truth, but grace with truth.
What we are doing when we speak honestly in a crisis, is helping people be prepared for the next crisis. We are helping people (and ourselves) accept reality. We are getting our heads out of the clouds and putting our feet squarely on the ground. We are normalizing the abnormal.
But in all of this we must tread carefully. When it comes to real crisis nothing is easy. Words are approximations. Even presence is complex. This is why God is the only real leader.
What do you think?
This application of real life discipleship is what the church needs reinforced. We have often substituted intellectual stimulation, for the dirty hands involvement, needed in real disciple making. It takes both. An overstuffed brain, without experienced humanity, is an object for pity. As I observe the church, my immediate reaction, is one of sadness. We know and have access to more information than ever in church history, but we do not know how to love ourself or those around us. Until we take our humanity seriously, the life changing reality of the Gospel will allude us. Thanks for keeping it real.
Dear Mel, thank you very much
Impact to me: in all of this we must tread carefully. When it comes to real crisis nothing is easy. Words are approximations. Even presence is complex. This is why God is the only real leader.
Linked with this is the discernment about WHEN to be present. In our “I can take care of things” culture, hurting people often put up smoke screens. Knowing when to go ahead and BE present with a hurting individual is a delicate decision. Our human mind cannot determine that which the Spirit knows.
Joe – you are certainly right. What is sad is that the ministry of presence is so easy to do. It requires no strategy, no committees, no budget. It is the thing people will remember for years, but we keep thinking that the stuff on our desks are the really important things. In my years as senior pastor I got more unsolicited letters of appreciation for our pastor who visited hospitals than any other pastor on our staff. That says something.
That reminds me, we are going to post an interview I did with him (Doug Schoen) sometime soon called “When We Are Ill.” In the meantime, if anyone is interested, you can read a short article by Doug here: https://thebrooknetwork.org/2010/05/01/when-we-are-ill/
Mel – thank you for so clearly addressing this. When I was much younger I stood beside the bed of a young man eaten up with cancer. All i could do was stand with his grieving father; I could say nothing. When I reported to my CPE supervisor, I felt like I’d failed the boy’s father because “I didn’t know what to say.” My supervisor rightly pointed out that “sometimes the best thing we can do is to stand watch with a grieving person. Words, as you’ve said, are often so empty. Thanks for this well-written article!
Thanks for the illustration, Bill.
One of God’s great gifts was to put me in a place (Guatemala) where I often have to be silent simply because I don’t have the spanish to express my thoughts. In that silence, I found some of my greatest connections – especially with hurting girls – were simply sitting with them in silence until they reached out by putting a head on my shoulder. God never speaks in cliches and neither should His followers. Thanks. Look forward to reading more from you.
When the hurting lift up their eyes and say, “where does my help come from”? We must respond by saying, your help comes from the Lord because no one ever cared for you like Jesus…let me tell you how much He cares!
Thanks, Mel, your articles are really pastoral. I feel pastored as I read them.
Also, up-lifting in the sense that just to grasp the heart of God, thru learning a little more about How He moves or acts, helps us open ourselves to His plans, to His silences, His gentleness and His real times. Thanks!!!
To know Him is to live.
Blessingss, maria
Thanks, Maria, for your thoughts on the heart of God. It’s just amazing when you think about it. I’ve seen so many people go through such terrible crises, but someone make it through by hanging onto the presence of God. Let’s all hope God will use us as signposts of his mercy the next time we encounter someone who is in crisis.
As I first read the blog of “When Crisis Hits”a week or so ago, I realized that part of my calling is to ‘be there’ for people. In the past, I have been there… not knowing why. As I read, I found that I have been there for others – yet in that day, I had just entered my own crisis with my home. While I made many phone calls looking for someone to just sit with me, or even just to pray with me, it hit me hard… nobody has time and nobody wants to make time, not even my own Pastor. Now when I read this blog “The Ministry of Presence”, I can see how I have walked away from many oppotunities to just sit with people in quietness. To be quiet with another person is one of the hardest things to do, even to sit before our Lord quietly can be a huge challenge at times. Thank you for writting these things… I need them.
Thanks for punctuating the point, Debra.
wow. a very pertinent article, when we as a culture are so focused on renaming difficult things. we would all love to hide from aging and sickness and death and even consequences to our own choices…
thanks for reminding us as Christians not to be afraid of reality! there is power in facing it!
Beautiful peace, meaningful comments. But. Too many people don’t want the truth to be spoken. They want things dressed up. After 13 years of speaking truth I was removed as pastor of a church for that very reason. God has moved me to a broad place but I still wonder why so many people, even in a crisis. Don’t want to hear the truth.
Do you could have any references for what you wrote right here?